As a ASD mom sometimes I am struck with how many kids there are on the spectrum and some that haven't even been diagnosed, but you can tell that it's in their future. Honestly and full of naivety I guess, I thought or maybe I didn't think that autism is something that I would never have to deal with. I am not sure why I thought that. I guess just like most moms out there I thought, "That will never happen to my children. They are perfect so how could they be diagnosed with something like that." Are you following what I am trying to say?
As hard as it is to explain these feelings, it is also even harder to deal with the feelings of sitting in that doctor's office. Hearing, but not hearing the words coming out of some stranger's mouth telling you that your son(s) is broke. Some guy is telling you that there is a monster that has taken up residence in your son(s) head and won't be leaving anytime soon. Does this sound extreme or intolerant to you? Maybe, but that is what every mother thinks no matter what the diagnosis. Autism, Cancer, Diabetes, etc. A mother cannot process at that moment that there is one single thing wrong with their child. Not me. Not you. Not anyone.
In those moments, ears go deaf. A buzzing sound grows loud in the room. You hear this loud wale sound grow louder and louder. Is it raining in the room? Why is my face wet? Oh, I am bawling and that loud sound is me... mourning the thought of what my child was going to be. Again, ignorance and intolerance for the Autism community, probably.
At that moment you have no idea of the amount of people that are going to enter your life. They don't tell you with Autism things like occupational therapy, physical therapy, eating therapy, speech therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy is going to follow ABA therapy. And, what the hell is ABA therapy?
Long story short, this post was born as I was standing next to a young mother watching our children play skee ball at the local Chuck E.'s. I noticed the tell in her son. The same one that my son has. The one that I thought was so cute when he was little. The reason I call him my bird and to be careful not to fly away from me. I decided to chat her up since most mom's are silent on the subject (I am not. I am LOUD and PROUD to talk about ASD. Awareness people!). I asked innocent questions that would normally tell me if there was a diagnosis or if she was aware of what her son was doing. Starting with the clothes (very cute by the way!) and moving right onto school. It was at that point that I realized that she knew her child was different (since he didn't speak the whole entire time...unusual for a 3 year old), but there was no diagnosis.
Another one will join our ranks soon when the nagging mommy brain is too loud to ignore. Will she feel the things I did? Probably. I'm sorry for her right now because she doesn't know the road ahead. The struggles will only grow greater until the right people will come into their lives. It will be extraordinarily overwhelming before life starts to grow...a little easier.... maybe. For some yes, for some the same, and for some it will get worse.
This is why I do what I do. I want to help the ones who fight daily for a bit of normalcy. I know what it is like. I have two on the spectrum. Every child with Autism is just one child on the Spectrum. They are ALL different. No two kiddos are alike. My two are different. "I" is 5 years old. He was 4 years old when he was diagnosed. It wasn't something we went in for. It was happenstance that it was caught. He was so smart and fairly high on the Spectrum that we were able to make excuses for the odd behavior.
My other son... the one that I write the most about, "N" is 3 years old. We knew when he was a baby that something wasn't right. I had to jump off buildings to pull a smile from that kid. He is middle of the road Spectrum. Or, Classic Autism if you will. Nonverbal until after 2 years of age then it was uncommunicative speech. He could label everything in the world, but couldn't ask for a glass of milk.
So, this is part of our story mixed in with a little bit of today. Long, I know.
Blessings and peace,
p.
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